Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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