I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
