nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
