I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
