i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
