I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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