Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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