remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
