We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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