I will die if light touches me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
