You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
