I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
