You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
