The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So much rum. So many feels.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
