I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
