It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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