Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
