So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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