I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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