Pants 0. Shit 1.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
