so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
