oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
