Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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