The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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