Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The adults are the big ones right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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