Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
