I hate your face
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
