grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
