My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
