You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
