you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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