i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
