his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
