I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
