I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
