her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
