you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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