great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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