i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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