I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
