I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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