she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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