Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
