what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
