Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
