in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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