is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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