she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
