so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
