Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
